Road Rage Kain
by Kreliana
Summary: Originally from Nosgothic Realm. What happens when Kain and his kids go on a family trip?
1. The Drive Up

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK, Chrystler, or anything else other than myself.  Yes, I know, everyone's horribly OOC.

Scene: A navy blue 1998 Chrystler mini-van. Kain is in the drivers seat, Ariel in the passenger's seat. Raziel (age 16) and Turel (age 13) in the 2-seater,and Dumah(age 10), Rahab (7), and Melchiah(3) in the back. Zephon got grounded, so he couldn't come.

  
Road Rage Kain Chapter I: The drive up.

  
Kain and company are heading to Six Clans, the un-deadest place in Nosgoth, for a family trip.  
  
Ariel- *whispering*Kain, I still don't understand why I had to come along on _your family trip.  
  
Kain- Well, Kreliana wanted a strong female character in the story and she is writing this, so you're here.  _

Ariel- There must have been other females who could have come.

Kain- Actually no.  You were the only other choice.

  
Ariel- But I can't be separated from the pillar of Balance!  
  
Kain- Not a problem. Its tied to the roof.  
  
Ariel- *putting hand on face* Tied to the roof?  Oh, dear.  
  


-Some time later-  
  
Melchiah- Are we there yet?  
  
Kain-No.  
  
Melchiah- Are we there yet?  
  
Kain-No.  
  
Melchiah- Are we there YET?  
  
Kain-NO.  
  
Melchiah- Are we there yet?  
  
Kain-NO!  
  
Raziel- Shut up, Melchiah. *Reaches back and hit Melchiah*  
  


Melchiah- Ow!

  
Ariel- Raziel, don't hit your brother!

Raziel- Why not?!  He's being a little bastard again.

Ariel- That's no way to talk about your brother.

Raziel- Well he is.

Kain- You're all little bastards.

  
Rahab- Kain, I don't like sitting in the sun. Can't I switch seats with Dumah?  
  
Kain- Dumah, switch seats with your brother.  
  
Dumah- Why do I have to? Melchiah's closer.  
  
Kain- You're older.

Dumah- That's not fair!

Kain- I don't care.

  
Dumah-Man *switches seats* Rahab's such a little…

Ariel: Dumah!  
  
Turel-*leans to Raziel, whispering* Hey Raz, I'm meeting this hot chick at Six Clans.

Raziel- You mean the blonde rogue? 

Turel- Yeah!  I'm gonna get me some of that!

Raziel- You da vamp! Gimme 3! *Gives Turel 3*

  
*Both start laughing back and forth*  
  
Melchiah- What are you talking about?  
  
Turel- Shut up and go to sleep.

Melchiah- I wanna know!

Raziel- Mind your own business.  You wouldn't understand.

Melchiah- Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

Raziel- No!  Shut up and stop whining you little…

Ariel- *Interrupting* RAZIEL!!

Kain- Don't make me come back there.  
  
*Melchiah, on the verge of tears, pulls out a squirt gun*  
  
Melchiah- *Crying* I'LL SHOW YOU GUYS! *He starts spraying water everywhere. *

Turel- AAAAAAAh!  
  
Raziel- OW! It burns!  
  
Kain- Ow!  My eye!  *Rubs his eye* That's it! I've had it with these twerps! Ariel, take the wheel!  
  
Ariel- A body is required to steer, flesh and bones are required to work the pedals.

  
Kain- Enough with your damned riddles. Just take the wheel!  *Turns around*  Now you're going to get it.

Lieutenants- Uh oh.

Kain- Raaaah!

Lieus.- AAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
*Ariel floats over and takes the wheel.  
Kain punches Raziel, knees Turel in the stomach, bashes Dumah and Rahab's heads together, and slams Melchiah's head into the window*  
  


Dumah & Rahab- We didn't do anything!  
  
Kain-Shut up! If you all aren't quiet in 5 minutes, I'll turn this van around and go back to the Sanctuary of the Clans! *Sits in the drivers seat*  
  
Ariel- *Muffled* Kain, your sitting on me.  
  
Kain- Oh, sorry. Forgot you were there. *Kain gets up slightly as Ariel floats back to the passenger seat*  
  
Ariel- Thank you. *Shuffles through her purse* Where's my hairbrush?

Rahab- Ariel, how can you use a hairbrush?

Dumah- Yeah, you're a ghost.

Ariel- Shut up you little…

Everyone- Ariel!

  
-Later-  
  
Ariel- are we lost?  
  
Kain- No.  
  
Ariel- We've passed that forest 3 times now! Pull over at that gas station and ask for directions.  
  
Kain- No.  
  
Ariel- Kain...

Kain- I told you that I know where we are!

Ariel- No you don't.  The world was damned because of your avarice, I don't want to be sitting in a forest for the next hundred years because of you're arrogance.

  
Kain-Fine! Fine! I'll ask for directions.  And my decision to damn Nosgoth was not a stupid idea. *Kain goes into a nearby gas station*

Gas Station Clerk- Can I help you?

Kain- How do I get out of this forest?

Clerk- Go right at the next intersection.

Kain- Thank you.  *He exits the gas station and goes back into the van. *

Ariel- You got directions?

Kain- What else would I be doing in there?  *They leave the gas station*

  
-Two minutes later-

Melchiah- I gotta go.  
  
Kain-Hold it. We just left the gas station.  
  
Melchiah- But hafta go NOW!  
  
Kain- Tough.  
  
Ariel- Kain....  
  
Kain- FINE! *Kain makes a U-turn and heads back to the station, and takes Melchiah to the bathroom*  
  


Rahab- *sniffle, sniffle*

  
Dumah- Eww! Ariel, Rahab's blowing his nose on his clan flag!  
  
Rahab- I have allergies, and no Kleenex!  
  
Ariel- *shuffles through purse* Here. *Gives Rahab a pack of puffs to go*  
  
Rahab- Thanks Ariel. You're the greatest. *Blows his nose, and throws the Kleenex in the back*  
  
Voice- Eww!

Rahab- What was that?  
  
Everyone- ZEPHON?!  
  
Zephon- Umm Hi everyone. *Hops into Melchiah's seat*

  
*Kain and Melchiah return*  
  
Kain- Zephon? I though I grounded you!  
  
Zephon- You did. I came along anyway.  
  
Kain- ARRGH! Well, you're staying in the van the entire time.  
  
*Zephon whimpers*  
  
Melchiah- Zephon's in my seat.  
  
Zephon- Fine, I'll crawl in the back. *Crawls over the seat, Melchiah reclaims his seat*  
  
Ariel-I'll stay in the car with you, Zephon.  
  
Zephon- thanks Ariel.   

*They continue toward Six Clans*

To Be Continued…

          What's going to happen next time when Kain and the lieutenants arrive at Nosgoth World?  What awaits them at the amusement park?

          Thanks for reading chapter 1, I hope some people out there liked this.  I guess I should thank DF, since he wrote this with me all those years ago.

            
  



	2. The Day at Six Clans

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK.

Kain and the lieutenants have finally arrived at Six Clans.  Now, they anxiously await their day of fun.  Fun?

Scene: Parking lot  
  
Kain- Ok everybody out. *Everybody piles out of the van* Zephon, Ariel, you two stay here.  
  
Zephon- But…but I wanna go too!  
  
Kain- Stop your whining. *Smacks Zephon* Everybody lets go.  
  
Now, Kain and the clan leaders are walking to the gates of Six Clans. They can hardly wait. Kain threatens the pimply-faced teen-vampire at the gate to let them in for free or he would toss him in the abyss.  
  
Raziel- *To Turel* So, where are you meeting your woman?  
  
Turel- Near the Merry-Go-Round.   
  
Raziel- I got your back all the way little bro.  
  
Turel- Thanks.  *They hurry to the Merry-Go-Round*  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Dumah- I don't want to take Melchiah around. Why can't Rahab do it?  
  
Rahab- NOOOO! I had to last time!  
  
Dumah- No, he's lying, I had to baby sit him last time, at the human chariot races.  
  
-This goes on for a LONG time-

Dumah- You suck!

Rahab- I hate you!  
  
Kain- SHUT UP!!!!!BOTH OF YOU! I will take Melchiah around the park. *Grabs Melchiah by the claw*  
  
Melchiah- Owww...that hurts, Kain.  You're twisting my arm!  
  
Kain- Shut up you little twit.  
  
-Kain and Melchiah walk around for about an hour when Kain finds Raziel and Turel hitting on some women. Kain, who forbids his sons to date, comes up with a plan for punishment. -  
  
Kain- *Stooping down* Melchiah, would you like a piggyback ride?

Melchiah-  *Jumping up and down* Yes! Yes! Yes!

Kain- I'm sure Raziel or Turel would be MORE THAN HAPPY to give you one.  
*Melchiah runs over to Raziel and Turel. Kain laughs. He looks over his shoulder and sees a sign: Six Clans' Tavern. Interested, he goes inside. *  
  
Bartender- What'll you have?  
  


Kain- Blood Lite, please.

Bartender- Comin' right up!  *Hands Kain a Blood Lite. *

Kain- *sips* Ahh, that hits the spot.

-Outside-

   
*Melchiah comes running up to his brothers. *

Melchiah- Razzy, gimme a piggyback ride.

Raziel- I don't want to give you a piggyback ride.

Melchiah- Pleeeeease! 

Raziel- No dammit and don't call me Razzy!

Blonde Rogue Vampire- Who's this, Turel?

Turel- Uugh, this is my little brother Melchiah.

Melchiah- Turel, will you give me a piggyback ride?

Turel- Leave me alone you little…

BRV- Turel!  

Melchiah- *sniffling* You're mean!  *Kicks Turel in the shin and runs off*

BRV- I can't believe you.  I thought you were more sensitive than this, Turel.

Turel- Aww come on, he was being a pest!

BRV- Bye.  *She walks off*

Other Vampiress- I'm ashamed with you too, Raziel.  You should have given that sweet little boy a piggyback ride.  *Smacks him across the face and leaves. *

*Turel and Raziel give each other disappointed looks.  They find a park bench and sit, wallowing in their misery.  Just when things couldn't get worse, Dumah and Rahab walk toward them, dragging a still crying Melchiah. *

Dumah- Guys, what's Melchiah's problem?  
  
Mel- Razzy, didn't give me a piggyback ride!  
  
Raz- *Rolling his eyes* All right, I'll give you a damned piggyback ride.  
  
Mel- *Immediately perks up. * Yaaaaayeee! *Climbs onto Raziel's back, while the others laugh*  
  
Raziel- I'll get you back for this some day...  
  
*After about 15 minutes of listening to Melchiah yell, "Giddyap horsy!" Raziel dropped Melchiah onto the ground. *  
  


Melchiah- Ow!

*Kain comes out of the Tavern and finds his sons. *

  
Kain- All right everyone, the park's closing, time to go home  
  
Melchiah- But I want cotton candy.  
  
Kain- No, the park's closing.  
  
Melchiah- I WANT COTTON CANDY!  
  
Kain- I said NO.  
  
Melchiah- Waaaaah! Waaaaah! Aaaaaaah!  
  
Kain- Shut up, Melchiah, don't make a scene!  
  
Melchiah- WaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Kain' AAAARGH! *Picks up Melchiah and throws him out of the park, literally. He lands next to the minivan. *  
  
Ariel- Melchiah?  *Inspects him* Oh dear.  
  


-Back in the Park. -

  
Kain- That'll teach him to shut the hell up!  
  
*The others burst out laughing. *  
  
Kain- SHUT UP!!!  
  
*Laughing ceases. *  
  
Kain- LETS GO DAMMIT!

Lieutenants- YESSIR! *They all scurry along*

  
-At Parking Lot-  
  
Raziel- Kain, can I drive?  
  
Kain- No.  
  
Raziel- I've had my temps for 5 months and you still haven't taken me driving!  
  
Kain- *Glaring* Get in the van, or I'll throw you down the street like I did Melchiah. 

Raziel- …Yes Kain.  *Hurries into the van*

Soon, Kain and his brood piled into the minivan and headed for the Sanctuary of the Clans.  After an already terrible day, what misfortune awaits them on the ride home?

Author's note: Sorry about the formatting.  Once again, fanficiton.net hates me.


	3. The Drive Home

Road Rage Kain Chapter 3:  The Ride Home.

Scene: The minivan has just pulled out of Six Clans' parking lot.  All of the clan leaders are tired after their day of fun (except for Zephon who didn't do anything all day) and are 

sleeping in the back seats. 

Kain- I'm glad this day's over.

Ariel- Oh, Kain...shut up.  It could have been worse.  One of the boys could have been hurt.  

Kain-  They did.

Ariel- Oh, that's right.  Well, one of the boys could have been killed.

Kain- _That _would have been a bad thing?

                                                     Some time later

Kain-  I hate this drive.  !  *Kain sees a raccoon in the road*  Is that a raccoon?  *Kain's eyes

widen as he swirves to hit the raccoon.  The thud that the raccoon makes as it's squished beneath

the tires wakes the clan leaders.*   Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ariel- Kain!  Did you just hit that poor little thing on purpose?

Kain-  Yes, and it was fun too; the only fun I've had today.  Ha ha ha ha ha! *Ariel puts her hand

to her mouth in disgust.  Kain looks at the clock*  Aaargh!  We've got to get back to the Sanctuary.

A&E is showing my Biography tonight.

Zephon-  Step on it, Kain!  *Kain floors it*

Raziel-  This is SWEET!

Turel-  I didn't think a minivan could go this fast!

Ariel-  Kain, how fast are we going?

Dumah-  *laughing* Who cares?!

Rahab-  It's not like any of us can die, we're immortal.

Ariel- That's not what I meant....

*A police siren is heard in the background*

Ariel-  *pointing to the back* That's what I was afraid of.

Kain-  Rrrrrgh!  *pulls the van over*

Melchiah-  We're gonna get sent to jail!

Zephon-  I don't wanna go to jail!  *He and Melchiah hold onto each other and start crying*

Ariel-  Don't cry you guys, you won't go to jail.....

Raziel- *interrupting*  Yeah, you guys'll go to juvenille hall.

Turel-  Yeah ha ha ha! Detention Center for the vamp babies!  *Raz and Turel start laughing*

Kain-  You two would be going there too, you know.

*Raz and Turel stop laughing*

R & T-  Oh......*they slump back slowly into their seats with worried looks on there faces*

 *Cop approaches the van*

Cop-  Going a little fast there eh?

Kain- So?  *Shrugs his shoulders*

Cop-  Hmm, your eyes are a little bloodshot,  have you been drinking?

Kain- *agitated, although he HAD been drinking at the Tavern*  Well officer, your eyes look

glazed, have you been eating donuts?

Cop- *Looking at his gut that was covered with donut glaze*  Hey!  License and registration.

Kain- I don't have either.

Cop- What?  Outta the van.  *Kain steps out of the van.  The clan leaders snicker a bit*

Rahab- Stupid cop's gonna get it now.

Cop-  Hands behind your head.

Kain- Ok *Puts his hands behind his head, only to bring them down with a crushing force.*

Clan Leaders-  YEAHHH!! GET HIM KAIN!

*Kain gets back into the van, and continues driving.*

-One hour later.-

Dumah-  I need to stretch out my legs

Rahab-  I'm hungry.

Zephon- I'm thirsty.

Melchiah- I have to go to the bathroom again.

Raziel- Kain, can we maybe take a short break?

Kain-  I'm already late.  My biography starts soon.

Ariel-  Lets rest, Kain.  The boys need it.

Kain-  I'll pull into the nearest rest station, but if I miss my biography, I'm throwing all of you into the Abyss!

-About 20 minutes later they came across a truck stop.  They decided to pull over and rest for about

half an hour.-

*Raz and Turel check out the place*

Raz-  Look!  A pool table.

Turel-  Lets play.  *They go off and play pool*

Dumah-  Look! They have a mini-arcade. *Dumah and Rahab go off to play a fighting game, Melchiah goes off to watch.*

Kain-  Ah, there's a TV here.  *He sits next to a young woman who is also a sorceress*

Sorceress-  Hi.  

Kain-  Good evening.

Sorceress- So, what do you wanna watch?

Kain-  My biography starts in a few minutes.

Sorceress-  Ok, lets watch that. *she turns on A&E.  The biography starts up and they watch it*

Zephon- *Outside by himself*  I'm bored. *Since no one's watching him, he goes

off into the parking lot where the semis are.*  I wanna ride one of those big trucks! *He looks through the trucks to see if any of them have keys.*  Hey, looky here, *pulls out a set of keys* Heh heh heh heh!  *he starts the engine and puts the truck into drive*

Back inside...

Raz- No, Turel, it's my turn, I get to go!

Turel-  No you don't.  You just had your turn.

Raz-  Yeah, but you got the cue ball into the pocket on your last turn, so I get an extra turn.

Turel- No you don't!

Raz- Yes I do.

Turel-  No you don't! *Throws the 8 ball at Raziel*

Raz-  AAAAAAAAH!  That hurt. *Throws the 7 ball at Turel, he ducks, the ball goes through Ariel and hits Dumah on the back of the head. Raziel and Turel each pick up a cue stick and start fighting it out*

Dumah-  OOOOOOUUUCH!  Melchiah!  What was that for?

Melchiah-  I didn't do anything.

Dumah-  Yes you did, you hit me on the back of my head.

Rahab-  YES!  I WON!

Dumah-  That's not fair, Melchiah distracted me.

Rahab- Don't be a sore loser.

Dumah-  Bite me.  *Rahab tries to bite Dumah, but Dumah uses Melchiah as a shield.  Rahab then has a mouth full of Melchiah's old skin.  Needless to say, they fight it out.*

Sorceress-  Kain, aren't you gonna stop them?

Kain- No.  As long as nothing gets destroyed I don't care what they do to each other.  So, you are a sorceress.

Sorceress-  Yup.  Sorceresses pass on their powers from one to another.  I was about 11 when I 

received the *looking outside*  HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

Kain- *Confused*  When you received holy *looking outside*  SHIT!!!!!

*Zephon, with a cowboy hat on, is riding their way in a big ass semi truck.  As he approaches the

building he starts blowing the horn*

Zephon-  YEEEEEE-HAAAAAW! *He crashes into the building.  He parks the semi in the middle of the floor*

Kain-  Zephon, what the hell are you doing!?!

Zephon-  I was having fun.

Kain-  We gotta get out of here!  ARIEL!  BOYS!  INTO THE VAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

*They all run into the van.  Well, in Ariel's case, float. *

Kain-  What is your major malfunction, Zephon?  Can't you keep your hands to yourself?  I don't know when I've been so embarrassed.

Zephon-  I'm sorry.

Kain- Sorry doesn't cut it.  What if someone got killed?

Zephon-  Ummmm....

Melchiah-  I woulda skinned 'em!

Kain-  Arrgh!  Shut up, Melchiah!

Ariel-  Kain, calm down before you have a stroke.

Kain- Bite it, bitch! *Starts Sniffing*  What's that smell?  *A smile comes across Melchiah's face*

Dumah-  Awww, Melchiah cut one.

Melchiah- Hee hee.

Kain- Everybody, roll down the windows.

Turel- But, Kain, it's raining outside.  Hard!

Kain- Shut up and roll down the windows.

*They roll down the windows and rain starts coming in*

CLs- AAAAAAAAHHH!!

Raziel-  Burning!  White hot fire!

And so Kain and his lieutenants returned to the Sanctuary.  They all went to their beds and had 

dreams about God knows what. Hey, I'm not a vampire, I don't know what they dream about.  Thus this adventure has concluded.

                                                                                    THE END


End file.
